I think one of the biggest steps men can make to start raising their sons is to put down the damn phone. And if you're a young man trying to launch, put down the damn screens for a bit - phones, Netflix, games, etc.
In Against the Machine, Kingsnorth details the attack on the home. Something not to be reconstructed in a comment section. Up until the modern era, the home was the family core. The industrial revolution pushed the father out of the house. The feminist movement pushed the mother out. How much of our modern mentality about moving out of the home is informed by these influence? That's an honest wondering. In not as well-to-do countries, it is still common to find family generations dwelling together. Indisputably, there can be the lazy fellow just mooching. But I wonder if the get-out-and-be-productive-and-economically useful mentality is not also part of the modern worlds desire to disperse the home.
Just a few thoughts, thanks for yours, as always, Buck. I appreciate your work.
It begins and ends with personal responsibility and community support. At 3 you help mom put the dishes away (poorly). At 6 you shake a man's hand and look him in the eye. At 9 you do your own laundry without being told. It's not just the kids, but the parents. Are they involved or scrolling? Do they have a meal at the dinner table, or in front if the T.V.? I like the fact that you place the truth at the feet of the whole family. Our society needs to change and good men can be change-agents.
I think we're conflating two different things: adulthood and "adulting."
Leaving home, getting married, having children, supporting yourself financially, these are important milestones. They often help people mature. But they are not maturity itself.
A person can have a spouse, three children, a mortgage, and a career while still being emotionally reactive, unable to self-regulate, dependent on others for validation, and incapable of tolerating discomfort. In other words, a person can check every "adulting" box and still not be much of an adult.
Maturity is better measured by differentiation: Can you maintain a solid sense of self? Can you calm your own anxiety? Can you respond thoughtfully instead of reactively? Can you endure discomfort in pursuit of growth?
Those are the skills of adulthood, and they can be learned almost anywhere.
A young man living in his parents' basement may be developing those capacities every day. He may be working, contributing to the household, taking responsibility for his life, learning emotional self-regulation, and becoming someone who can stand on his own convictions while remaining connected to others.
Meanwhile, another young man may live independently, have a good income, and still require everyone around him to manage his emotions and affirm his identity. How many of us know older men, well into their fifties, who act the same way?
Living independently matters. It teaches valuable lessons and is usually a worthy goal. But independence is not the same thing as maturity.
In some cases, remaining at home can actually require more maturity than leaving, because it demands learning how to maintain a solid sense of self, contribute as an adult among adults, and endure the discomfort of growing up without the social status that comes from outward markers of independence.
My hats off to young men who are further shamed and labeled "emotionally and spiritually impotent" (!) yet may still be living at home because they are deliberately using that season to pay off debt, save for a home, complete education, care for an aging parent, recover from a setback, launch a business, discern a vocation, or simply develop the emotional and relational maturity needed to stand on their own feet without rushing into independence for the sake of appearances.
The question is not simply whether a young man has left home and gotten a job and a girlfriend.
The question is whether he is becoming the kind of person who can carry responsibility, tolerate discomfort, regulate himself, and love others without losing himself, ie adult-level maturity.
We need communities of men to lift up the young men who are getting left behind. We need priests who offer hope and walk alongside these young men, pray for them, encourage them, and most importantly, we need men who embody the skills I've outlined....who don't endorse an ersatz masculinity. Who understand that adulting can become an ersatz form of adulthood when we mistake external milestones for genuine maturity.
Great post, brother.
I think one of the biggest steps men can make to start raising their sons is to put down the damn phone. And if you're a young man trying to launch, put down the damn screens for a bit - phones, Netflix, games, etc.
In Against the Machine, Kingsnorth details the attack on the home. Something not to be reconstructed in a comment section. Up until the modern era, the home was the family core. The industrial revolution pushed the father out of the house. The feminist movement pushed the mother out. How much of our modern mentality about moving out of the home is informed by these influence? That's an honest wondering. In not as well-to-do countries, it is still common to find family generations dwelling together. Indisputably, there can be the lazy fellow just mooching. But I wonder if the get-out-and-be-productive-and-economically useful mentality is not also part of the modern worlds desire to disperse the home.
Just a few thoughts, thanks for yours, as always, Buck. I appreciate your work.
Father bless! Thank you for this! Wonderful points, as usual. ☦️
It begins and ends with personal responsibility and community support. At 3 you help mom put the dishes away (poorly). At 6 you shake a man's hand and look him in the eye. At 9 you do your own laundry without being told. It's not just the kids, but the parents. Are they involved or scrolling? Do they have a meal at the dinner table, or in front if the T.V.? I like the fact that you place the truth at the feet of the whole family. Our society needs to change and good men can be change-agents.
I think we're conflating two different things: adulthood and "adulting."
Leaving home, getting married, having children, supporting yourself financially, these are important milestones. They often help people mature. But they are not maturity itself.
A person can have a spouse, three children, a mortgage, and a career while still being emotionally reactive, unable to self-regulate, dependent on others for validation, and incapable of tolerating discomfort. In other words, a person can check every "adulting" box and still not be much of an adult.
Maturity is better measured by differentiation: Can you maintain a solid sense of self? Can you calm your own anxiety? Can you respond thoughtfully instead of reactively? Can you endure discomfort in pursuit of growth?
Those are the skills of adulthood, and they can be learned almost anywhere.
A young man living in his parents' basement may be developing those capacities every day. He may be working, contributing to the household, taking responsibility for his life, learning emotional self-regulation, and becoming someone who can stand on his own convictions while remaining connected to others.
Meanwhile, another young man may live independently, have a good income, and still require everyone around him to manage his emotions and affirm his identity. How many of us know older men, well into their fifties, who act the same way?
Living independently matters. It teaches valuable lessons and is usually a worthy goal. But independence is not the same thing as maturity.
In some cases, remaining at home can actually require more maturity than leaving, because it demands learning how to maintain a solid sense of self, contribute as an adult among adults, and endure the discomfort of growing up without the social status that comes from outward markers of independence.
My hats off to young men who are further shamed and labeled "emotionally and spiritually impotent" (!) yet may still be living at home because they are deliberately using that season to pay off debt, save for a home, complete education, care for an aging parent, recover from a setback, launch a business, discern a vocation, or simply develop the emotional and relational maturity needed to stand on their own feet without rushing into independence for the sake of appearances.
The question is not simply whether a young man has left home and gotten a job and a girlfriend.
The question is whether he is becoming the kind of person who can carry responsibility, tolerate discomfort, regulate himself, and love others without losing himself, ie adult-level maturity.
We need communities of men to lift up the young men who are getting left behind. We need priests who offer hope and walk alongside these young men, pray for them, encourage them, and most importantly, we need men who embody the skills I've outlined....who don't endorse an ersatz masculinity. Who understand that adulting can become an ersatz form of adulthood when we mistake external milestones for genuine maturity.