The Failure to Launch Generation

On young men, delayed adulthood, and the responsibilities we no longer expect.

A few weeks ago I made a post on X about the growing number of men in their late twenties and thirties who are still living at home with their parents. As expected, the replies rolled in. Unexpected, to me, was the amount of anger it caused. The reasons were similar to these folks online: housing is too expensive, wages haven’t kept up, student loans, inflation, the economy, etc. Some people agreed with me, but there was mainly anger and pushback. I was left wondering, if you’re defending the position that it’s good for men to remain at home through their mid 30s, why would you be angry defending that position? It sensed some shame leading to the anger.

And, to be fair, those factors mentioned are real factors, and I’m not pretending otherwise.

What struck me, however, was what happened when I took the same conversation off the internet and into the real world. That’s something I wanted to do before writing this piece in case I really was in some bubble that kept me in the ignorant minority.

This past weekend I found myself discussing the topic with a number of people. Parents, families, several Orthodox priests and even an eleven year old boy. I wasn’t conducting a survey or trying to prove a point. And I’ll be honest, I expected at least one person to disagree with me. Somebody- whether it was a parent, a priest, young man…..anyone. And yet- it never happened.

In fact, one mother of four didn’t even let me finish the question. I asked what she would think if one of her daughters wanted to marry a man in his 20’s who still lived at home- “Absolutely not.”

She didn’t pause or even ask for context. She certainly didn’t launch into an economic analysis. She told me she had already spoken to her oldest daughter about this very issue. “If a man is still living at home well into adulthood, the answer is no.” She was a sweet, genteel Orthodox Christian mother and this was the most bold moment of the entire time I spent with her.

A little later, her husband called their eleven-year-old son into the room.

“Son, what’s your job when you become a man?”

The boy answered immediately.

“To protect my family.”

“What else?”

“To provide for them.”

Then his father asked, “Can you do that while living in your parents’ basement?”

The kid laughed.

“No sir.”

Everyone in the room smiled- but what struck me was how obvious the answer seemed to an eleven-year-old. I joked that I should post an interview with him so he can explain this to people.

Later that weekend I was sitting around with a priest and several other men. Most of us were covered in tattoos, which made the conversation even funnier. Here we were, a bunch of heavily tattooed guys sitting around discussing eye contact, handshakes, manners, responsibility, and the formation of young men like we’d somehow become the council of grandfathers. The priest said- “Take a second to look at us and realize we are the ones addressing this!”

The priest told us about a man who had come to his house years ago for a meeting and couldn’t stop complimenting his teenage son.

“What did he do?” the priest finally asked.

The answer was not earth shattering. “Well, he stood up when I entered the room, he looked me in the eye and he shook my hand.” That was it.

The visitor revealed he was a school superintendent and explained why he was so impressed. He said many young men today struggle to do even those basic things. They avoid eye contact and they don’t know how to shake hands. They struggle to hold a conversation with adults. We laughed again- not because it was funny, but because it was absurd. Imagine a world where basic social competence has become remarkable. We are, apparently, in that world.

Another thing that kept coming up was the role parents play in all of this. We talk about young men failing to leave home, but rarely talk about parents who make leaving unnecessary. Some parents say they want grandchildren while simultaneously creating an environment where their sons never have to take responsibility for themselves. Healthy love prepares a child to leave- unhealthy attachment finds reasons for him to stay.

As the weekend went on, the conversations kept circling back to the same place. None of the priests I spoke with framed the issue primarily in economic terms. One priest used a phrase that made me wince when I first heard it. He said many young men today have become spiritually and emotionally impotent.

It’s a harsh phrase and there was silence for a few seconds as we dwelled on it.

What else do you call a culture that encourages men to avoid risk, avoid responsibility, avoid sacrifice, avoid leadership, and then acts surprised when they never become husbands, fathers, or leaders?

Another priest spoke about young men who believe they are owed a comfortable life, a great job, and financial success. When those things don’t happen, the explanation is always external- the economy, their parents, their boss, society…..Someone else is always standing trial for their circumstances.

What was largely missing was the older question: what kind of man are you becoming while facing those circumstances -which was the part I can’t stop thinking about.

The internet wanted to debate whether young men can afford adulthood. The people I spoke with were asking whether we’re still forming young men for adulthood in the first place and those are not the same conversation.

Of course housing is expensive and of course the economy matters. But previous generations faced wars, depressions, economic uncertainty, and plenty of obstacles of their own. What seems different today is not necessarily the existence of hardship but our expectations around it. Somewhere along the way, we began treating adulthood less as a responsibility to be embraced and more as a destination that should arrive once conditions become favorable.

The people I met this weekend weren’t angry at young men- at all. Most of them were raising sons, mentoring young men, hearing their confessions, or hoping their daughters would someday marry good husbands. If anything, there was sadness in many of these conversations. A sense that too many young men have never been challenged, never been expected to carry weight, and never been told that part of becoming a man is doing difficult things before you feel ready- in other words, learning to struggle and sacrifice.

The more conversations I had, the less convinced I became that this is primarily an economic problem. Economics may explain why some young men struggle. It doesn’t explain why so many have stopped moving.

An eleven-year-old understood what a man’s responsibilities are and yet internet spent two weeks explaining to me why he shouldn’t be expected to fulfill them.

The people I spoke with this weekend weren’t asking how to make adulthood easier but rather they were asking whether we’re still raising young men to become adults at all.

I am a lieutenant in the fire department. Part of my job is mentoring young men. Somehow, the young guys that come into the fire department were able to get a very demanding job, they were able to get, at the very least, an apartment and usually soon after that, a wife. Most of them would not tell you that they’re some rare breed of privileged men. But it may be the case that they are indeed a dying breed at this point.

Counterflow with Buck Johnson